Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.. The first suicidal/self-harm thoughts I can remember having was at the tender age of eight. I see other eight year olds now and my heart breaks for the child inside me that knew such pain that she could wish for this at an age where innocence, childlike play, creativity and imagination are to be soaring. You can see in my pictures at this age that this oppression had set in, so much so that one of my grandmother's would state how she hated that picture. It didn't represent the Alicia she had known. She never hung that one up either.
Over the years, I learned of other people's opinions of those who self-hate and learned to disguise this quite well or found ways to do so in which others would never know. This wasn't an intentional thought, it just happened over time. These thoughts came on with incredible force my last two years in high school but few would have ever known because I was the girl who walked down the hall every day smiling and saying hi to everyone. I truly believed it was my calling to be a light in those halls. I was also Vice President of Student Council & Spanish Club while being heavily involved in many others. I stayed super busy with a full social life, worked tons, kept my grades up, etc. So that left very few people in on the truth of how tortured I was and I'm not even sure those living with me totally got it until I started drinking heavily after I turned 21.
So much unresolved pain left me aching for me... to be more, to do more... to be loved more. I needed love so desperately. I did things and put myself in sad situations because this ache consumed every inch of me.
Over the years, I learned of other people's opinions of those who self-hate and learned to disguise this quite well or found ways to do so in which others would never know. This wasn't an intentional thought, it just happened over time. These thoughts came on with incredible force my last two years in high school but few would have ever known because I was the girl who walked down the hall every day smiling and saying hi to everyone. I truly believed it was my calling to be a light in those halls. I was also Vice President of Student Council & Spanish Club while being heavily involved in many others. I stayed super busy with a full social life, worked tons, kept my grades up, etc. So that left very few people in on the truth of how tortured I was and I'm not even sure those living with me totally got it until I started drinking heavily after I turned 21.
So much unresolved pain left me aching for me... to be more, to do more... to be loved more. I needed love so desperately. I did things and put myself in sad situations because this ache consumed every inch of me.
Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.
Fast forward, I'm now 35 and beginning to discover and rediscover parts of me that I truly like. Did you know I'm creative!?! Many around me would say yes, but I never thought so. It was a part of my daily life as a kid but over time due to different things those "foolish" things got put aside. I had to work hard financially, as well as academically, during my school years (I started babysitting at age 8) and due to other influences, I never took those sorts of classes because I didn't think there was time for that. So heartbreaking now.
So five years ago (maybe more?), God started talking to me about my creative side, to embrace it, it's who He created me to be, etc. I again, didn't have much time for that as I was fighting for answers with my health at that time but then 4 years ago this month, I left the house for the first time in ages without Andy, still recovering from surgery and battling the struggles I was now having on a daily basis from that surgery and wow, am I so glad I went. At the very end of the conference there was a prophetic and healing word spoken over me and one main part of that was about me being creative. Say whaaat!?!! God even made it obvious by giving me the initials A.R.T. lol. I thought I was a fast learner but because I had built this shell towards the foolish (not foolish at all actually) things of life (also spoken to me in this prophetic word) in order to survive I couldn't see how much He had placed in me that He desired me to express... and I have to be honest, I still struggle to allow these parts of me out publicly. Creating is a vulnerable thing to share it seems.
Okay, back to present day, I've been learning to like myself for some time now and I've always heard Joyce Meyer say the childhood that she lost or was stolen has been restored back to her. She has the joy of the Lord and has enjoyed so much in life, that it is to her, like the Lord gave her a two-fold (or more!?) blessing of that childhood lost. I always found this to give me hope and now I can say I am experiencing some of this myself. I've been lost in writing, designing, fashion, website building, logo making, speaking, putting down lyrics and poetry, expressive arts and crafts plus more in the last couple of years. As we purchased this house and I turned 35, God made it clear He would be doing more with me artistically and it has been so fun! I've begun doing photography and He is speaking through my paintbrush as well. I am loving this side of me that had been lost and discarded for so long, I feel like I'm finally finding my place in the world. It's giving me quite a sense of purpose and it's been wonderful to have something, that with my physical limitations, I can actually do... well not just one thing but many... which is so important to me. I'm gaining confidence, I'm learning, I'm getting "it" all out...all the stuff that there just aren't enough words to express. I've found ways to show others what the world looks like through my eyes, and knowing I've always been different, I finally feel like I should be an active part of this world. It's beautiful.
Did or are you struggling to like yourself? Have you fully accepted how God has made you and set you apart? How have you fought this and/or how have you embraced this? Are you creative as well and if so, how do you express that? Tell me a little of your journey because I'd truly love to hear!
So five years ago (maybe more?), God started talking to me about my creative side, to embrace it, it's who He created me to be, etc. I again, didn't have much time for that as I was fighting for answers with my health at that time but then 4 years ago this month, I left the house for the first time in ages without Andy, still recovering from surgery and battling the struggles I was now having on a daily basis from that surgery and wow, am I so glad I went. At the very end of the conference there was a prophetic and healing word spoken over me and one main part of that was about me being creative. Say whaaat!?!! God even made it obvious by giving me the initials A.R.T. lol. I thought I was a fast learner but because I had built this shell towards the foolish (not foolish at all actually) things of life (also spoken to me in this prophetic word) in order to survive I couldn't see how much He had placed in me that He desired me to express... and I have to be honest, I still struggle to allow these parts of me out publicly. Creating is a vulnerable thing to share it seems.
Okay, back to present day, I've been learning to like myself for some time now and I've always heard Joyce Meyer say the childhood that she lost or was stolen has been restored back to her. She has the joy of the Lord and has enjoyed so much in life, that it is to her, like the Lord gave her a two-fold (or more!?) blessing of that childhood lost. I always found this to give me hope and now I can say I am experiencing some of this myself. I've been lost in writing, designing, fashion, website building, logo making, speaking, putting down lyrics and poetry, expressive arts and crafts plus more in the last couple of years. As we purchased this house and I turned 35, God made it clear He would be doing more with me artistically and it has been so fun! I've begun doing photography and He is speaking through my paintbrush as well. I am loving this side of me that had been lost and discarded for so long, I feel like I'm finally finding my place in the world. It's giving me quite a sense of purpose and it's been wonderful to have something, that with my physical limitations, I can actually do... well not just one thing but many... which is so important to me. I'm gaining confidence, I'm learning, I'm getting "it" all out...all the stuff that there just aren't enough words to express. I've found ways to show others what the world looks like through my eyes, and knowing I've always been different, I finally feel like I should be an active part of this world. It's beautiful.
Did or are you struggling to like yourself? Have you fully accepted how God has made you and set you apart? How have you fought this and/or how have you embraced this? Are you creative as well and if so, how do you express that? Tell me a little of your journey because I'd truly love to hear!
Photo Credit: A Work of A.R.T.
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